2002-02-06 - 8:37 a.m.

So...I've been reading a bunch of the posts out there about Households and journeys and friends and all that that my lovely lady started, and it makes me wonder...

Did I miss the day in school when all this was taught? I know I didn't have perfect attendance, so it's quite possible I did...is there a makeup class somewhere?

Seriously, I have always, and I mean always, felt like the person who was the ultimate wallflower. In high school I was the nerd who got picked on (although I must say, the physical side of that ended the day I shoved a kid through his locker...didn't even get suspended for it), In college I was the guy who got blackballed by the frats (although, as it turns out, the frat I was going to pledge got dissolved during what would have been my pledge period anyhow, so I guess I came out okay there after all).

I don't do well at parties. I don't drink (not because of any moral stance or anything, beer just tastes horrid to me, and that seems to be what is most common at parties...I'll down Mudslides or rum and fruit drinks with the best of them...although I'll regret it in the morning). I'm not exactly the "beautiful people" that folks gravitate to and talk to naturally.

I never learned to mingle. I never learned the fine art of standing around with a half drunk drink and talking about nothing with somebody for two hours. I never learned that folks are approachable.

As an example, I have a bunch of good SCA friends (most of you have your own pages here, and you know who you are...). At 12th Night, we (myself, Rhiannon and our friend Beth, who we are bringing into the SCA...and she's doing entirely too well for her own good) found ourselves invited to hang with our friends in the motel in the evening.

After a while, the party shifted to a room that anyone in the SCA would describe as High Powered. There was Duke Oldcastle, a quorum of longtime Knights, a bunch of other Peers, my friends (some of whom are Peers, some are not), and the three of us.

I felt about as necessary to that room as a space heater in the Sahara. All I could do was sit on the side (probably looking uncomfortable) and listen to all the stories of the past and the "No sh*t, there I was", and the like. I had no entry into the conversation.

My friends, on the other hand, were integrating perfectly into the room as if they had been there forever. Even the folks who weren't fighters (and therefore didn't have "No sh*t, there I was" stories) had ways into the conversation, even if it was just nodding and laughing.

I'm not sure when I missed it...but I must have...it's probably the entire reason why I (and by extension, my Lady, who suffers from the same problem, that's why we ended up together, I think) don't do well in the social games...and the SCA is a HUGE social game.

That's probably why we're always feeling down about not having a House, or being in fealty, or whatever. We have this belief, possibly mistaken, that these sorts of skills can be learned, and that's the way to do it. If you're someone's squire, you seem to get a degree of credibility from your Knight (same deal for Apprentices and Proteges)...it doesn't make you a finished person overnight, but it at least exposes you to the opportunities to discover the tricks...whatever they are.

Sometimes I'm amazed I'm where I am. I'm Golden Dolphin Herald, Atlantia's Submissions Herald, and that's not a bad thing. It's a ton of work, and sometimes it means I can't do what I want to do because I have to do this other thing...but I signed up for the job, and dammit, I'm doing it, and I'm doing it fairly well, I think.

I'm not sure at all how I got here. I became a Herald because I have a loud voice that cuts through background pretty well, and because I think pretty well on my feet. I never intended to have to become an expert on the fine differences between a bend engrailed and a grail in bend.

Heck, I only became Caer Mear's baronial herald by default when the then herald decided to become King instead. Then, somehow, a year and 1/2 into that journey, I ended up being Golden Dolphin.

I know I volunteered for it. And I remember asking folks if they thought I would be good for it...but I was kinda figuring they'd do the "Well...here's what you can do to improve, and maybe in a few years..." schtick.

Instead, they did the "Heck, you'd be a good choice, it's your job, run with it".

I'm trying...I'm trying hard...I'm not running yet, I'm more like crawling with a purpose...maybe next month I'll progress to hanging onto the coffee table and standing up.

I just wonder if I'm making more of a fool of myself than anything else. Guess there's only one way to find out. By the way...I guess I have a notes page now...that you can go to by clicking on This link or something...check it out and let me know, 'k? Great.

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