2002-05-02 - 10:24 a.m.

I never knew it was that difficult to take a dump.

More specifically, to take a dump in your own house

Yes, that's right, this is a shitty entry...the faint of heart probably want to move along now.

A new hurdle has emerged in HouseQuest 2002...

See, we live in the Country (no, really, we do...), and as such, we don't have none of that there fancy shmantzy water and sewer service stuff like you sissy city folk, we've got well water and septic tank.

And we *like it*...well...no, but it's what we've got, so we cope with it.

Anyhow, the house is all of 3 years old, and Gina and I are basically the only people who have ever lived there, and, to be honest, we don't crap all that much...so one would think this would be an easy thing.

But no, apparently in order for the mortgage company to write the mortgage we have to have a "Septic Tank Certification".

Me, personally, I'm willing to certify "Ayep, we've got one, right out in the back forty there...and it works real good, because the shit goes down the hole every time we flush real nice like."

Heck, I'd even go to a notary public and sign an affadavit to that effect (admittedly, that's not all that hard for me, since I work for a law office...but still...)

But, apparently, that's not good enough for the mortgage company.

They want tests and things.

Not sure exactly *what* they're going to test (and to be honest, I'm not really all that sure I wanna know...images of dudes in lab coats sticking beakers into a pile of solid waste like it was pool warer come to mind...and it scares me). BUt I am sure it's going to cost $125 for them to do this test.

On the other hand...if they do have to stick their hands into a pile of crap and test it, $125 doesn't seem like *nearly* enough...so perhaps I shouldn't be bitching.

Also, apparently, they have to test our well water for some cryptosproidic parasitic bacteria whatthefuck. Evidently this is a real bad thing that will make you real sick and you might die and all that.

Okay...I understand that, and dying doesn't sound like my idea of a fun time...but truly, if it was a> that bad, and b> a problem with our well that we've been drinking out of for 2 years now...wouldn't we be dead already, or at least sick?

So we have to pay $135 (to the same company that does the septic thing...sure hope they don't switch the test tubes...) for someone to draw some water out of our well, stick it in a beaker, drop some chemicals into it, and say "Why no, no, you don't have cryptowhatthefuck"

I have *got* to get into this racket.

Current Biggest Fear: That "Ayep, we've got one, right out in the back forty there...and it works real good, because the shit goes down the hole every time we flush real nice like" is going to be grabbed by all the folks who put quotes from pages on their buddy lists...

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