2003-12-17 - 9:46 a.m.

Whee....nothing like a good ol mudslinging political argument to pump up the ol pageview stats...

So now I'd like to slow things down a little with a little number I call "What the f**k is up with this spam e-mail?"

Yeah, I know, terribly original, huh? Stick with me though, I've got a particularly poignant tale to tell...

I'm on AOL Instant Messanger last night (gormofbera for those who want to know, yes, there's only one R, AIM used to only let ya have 10 characters), and talking with a friend about the various aches and pains associated with getting older (I know, fun and exciting conversation...I think I'm becoming middleaged...), and I mention having a stiff shoulder. Nothing dramatic, just a "it's cold, and I'm old" kinda stiff.

Not 2 minutes later, my e-mail box pings, and I have an e-mail from some spam artist with the subject line of "mmpq - gormofberra, never suffer from aching joints again!!!!!"

I delete it unread, because that's just how I am, but it made me think.

Yeah, it's probably just coincidence, but still...are they watching?

Actually, I'm virtually certain it's just coincidence, because 2 minutes later came my very own offer for over the counter Viagra! WhooHoo! Now I have something to keep it up after the 250 e-mails offering to enlarge it so I can drive the women wild.

Funny that...they didn't catch that I'm happily married...they need to monitor my chats a little more closely, I guess.

But really...what makes advertisers think this works? Particularly my personal favorite current product being spammed....

anti-spam software

What in the heck could they possibly be thinking? Are there *really* people out there who go "Hey, you know, this piece of unsolicited commercial e-mail really made me think about the dangers of unsolicited commercial e-mail, so I'm going to buy the product the unsolicited commercial e-mail is selling me so I never see any more unsolicited commercial e-mail!"

One problem...if *that* product is so good, wouldn't I want to leave my box open to receive other offers which could be equally cool? Or is it that your e-mail is the only one important enough, out of the 450,000,000 spams out there that I should buy *your* product over all the others?

There definetly needs to be some sort of fix though, since if I responded to all of the offers that flood into my mailbox every day, I'd have 76 Russian Brides, a close personal friend named Brandi who was constantly showing me her hot dripping snatch, and Mr. Johnathon Matambik would be writing me enough personal checks from the money hidden away in Swaziland somewhere for me to pay off the National debt and my mortgage on top of it.

BUt I wouldn't want to pay off my mortgage, because my mortgage rate would be so low banks would be paying me for the privledge of lending me money.

I would also have refinanced my student loans 467 times (again, with rates so low the banks would be sending me money).

If all that money made my head hurt, it would be okay, because I would have 600 bottles of various medications coming in from perfectly legal (cough) pharmacies passing the savings on to me.

I have *got* to get a better spam filter...

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